“When the heart grieves for what is lost, the spirit rejoices over what it has left” Sufi Proverb
It has been quite awhile since I came for a visit here. Since my last post a new world has exploded into action; a world where balance and passion are restored; new people are embraced and each day is a new adventure.
One thing that surrounds me lately is the question of darkness-it’s inevitability and what part it has to play in this composition called life. Many of us spend our time here earthbound searching for reasons as to why these dark moments surround us, consume us, squeeze the very breath from our lungs and mask the light that tries to seep through the cracks of existence.
I constantly feel that light is a helium balloon that I am holding onto and navigating through the winds of experience, trying to ensure the delicate line does not snap and cut loose the balloon that traps and secures all that I’ve learned. Sometimes I let go of the balloon and sit in the darkness for awhile thinking it is easier than holding on; but the meaning fades from my life and I am left empty and yearning. There have been moments where I fantasize about giving up the journey-when that path is covered with thorns, brush and seems insurmountable. I question whether it is easier to stop trying? There is less effort…no reason to care…no need to give…no need to coddle or listen or work on improving myself…but then the emptiness reminds me that this is no way to live the life that I have been blessed with.
There are also times where the path is a yellow brick road, full of Technicolor wonder and vibrant experiences, there for the taking and I am flying high in the air with that helium balloon. Nothing can touch me when I’m there…But then it deflates and reality comes to visit for awhile-a small incident reminds me of the pain of my past and I walk down into the dank basement searching for the tiny rusty metal cord that will turn on the hanging naked bulb of light. It is always there but I have not yet learned to let it go. Not for lack of trying-through many manners…talking…releasing…feeling the raw emotions of it…crafting songs about it…helping others that have witnessed the pain of it…It stares at me with it’s haunting eyes, taunting me to come in and play for awhile, and though I struggle and fight it consumes me and sits heavily on my heart…
Is the dark necessary? Is it’s existence the only way we can embrace and embody all of the pleasures that happiness offers?
So far, after enduring many, many tragedies…more than I feel compelled to mention…I have taken those experiences and weaved the lessons learned from them into something like a tapestry of a masterpiece that has yet to be revealed. Each thread delicately and intentionally placed, painstakingly selected and masterfully choreographed. The masterpiece will not be displayed until I have completed my time here and have passed to the other side…Then it will all make sense to me…
“You are beautiful, just the perfect way you are…” Lori Ann Bury